Exercise Festival

Couple of weeks ago my school held an "exercise festival." The teachers and parents from each grade would be competing against eachother. I was in Grade 2's team. Why? God knows! I don't even teach grade 2.

Obviously, I knew bugger all about what was going on come the day. After lunch, I was told to go to the gym and follow one of the 2nd grade teachers around.

I got there a few minutes late, and all the teachers and parents were lined up in their grades, facing the stage where a guy in a suit was talking.

Then we all split up. In each corner of the gym, a volleyball net and court had been set up for a small volleyball tournament. I wasn't allowed to play in the tournament for some reason. Instead, I was told to sit on the sidelines and cheer for Grade 2 with all the mums. They gave us plastic bags to put on our heads, and pom-poms to cheer with. They were really going at it.

In true Korean fashion, the mums had prepared rice cakes, cherry tomatoes and cans of coffee for us to have while we watched the volleyball.

After the volleyball tournament, it was mine time to shine. We went outside for a relay race around the little makeshift dirt track our school has. There were 6 teachers and parents in each grade's team. I was the last runner for my team, along with all the P.E. teachers.

It was honestly the most hardcore race I've ever witnessed. On several occasions, as the runners were coming around a bend, one fell, and all the other runners, most of them mothers, just trampelled over them! It was like there was a 50% sale on Kimchi.

Following the race, we went back into the gym. A hundred or so chairs had been set out all facing the stage. On the stage, a big screen and a karaoke machine had been set up. It was Noraebang time!

Everyone was well into it. The lights were turned off, people dressed up, and all the mother's brought marigolds so that they could clap louder.

One even dressed as a Minstrel! I shit you not! She had her face painted black, her lips painted white, and a big white wig on her bonce!

Unfortunately you can't really see her face. She's the one at the front giving it beans. I assure you, her face is painted black!

My school is insane!

Kevla

How's Your Sex Life?

On Wednesday, I went hiking and to dinner with my school. I've done this with the school a few times, but this time was particularly funny.

At 3pm we left school and went hiking in Igidae Park. It's right next to my school and the peaks there are small so it never took long.

At the top of one of the peaks there is an outdoor gym.

He was hanging upside down for literally 10 minutes.

P.E. Teachers showing off

Towards the end of the hike, we all gathered to a part of the park that was cordoned off, where the headteacher had set up a treasure hunt. He had hidden pieces of paper with your prize written on it, amongst the trees and leaves. I found four and gave three of them away, not knowing what I was leaving myself with till one teacher told me, a refill for washing up liquid!

My winning ticket.

After the hike we went to a restaurant for some Korean barbecue and iced kimchi! Yes! That's right! ICED kimchi! Sounds rank I know but it was nicer than any other kimchi I've had.

And the prizes for the treasure hunt were given out. 

When it was time to leave, the Vice Principle, who by this time was quite tipsy, told me to get in the back of the headteachers car because we were going for "round 2!"

I ended up in the back of the headteachers car, next to a P.E. teacher who was hammered. He asked me 3 or 4 times when I was going home, every time giving me the ajoshi inner thigh rub and telling me we're really good friends (I like the guy but the truth is, I don't even know his name!)

We went to a Korean bar where we had spicy odeng soup, beer and soju. The Vice Principle, after a few shots plucked up the courage to ask me a personal question.

"Mr. Kebin. You have girlfriend. Do you sex with her?"

"Yeh"

Looks of surprise appear on everyone's face. God knows why it's so surprising I would have sex with my girlfriend. 

"How long?"

I decided to have a little fun here "About an hour each time."

"WAAAHHH!! How many time?"

"4 or 5 a night"

"WAAAHHH!! Mr. Kebin you are very strong man."

He then proceeded to tell me two tales, both from 1983 when he went climbing in the Himalayas. The first went something like this:

"I staying at base camp. There are 4 men and 1 woman from England, in the same tent. One day, one England man go up the mountain then come back down and BOOM BOOM BOOM with woman (he honestly said this, clapping his hands as he said BOOM BOOM BOOM!) Next day, another man go up come down and BOOM BOOM BOOM. England woman have sex with all the men in the tent. I get no sleep."

I'm in hysterics.

Then he goes on to his next tale. "In Himalayas, I meet Netherlands woman. Pretty, but bad skin. She has very big bust. They are so big. Too big" The headteacher puts his hands in front of his chest, acting out a pair of big boobs bouncing up and down, and starts giggling.

"Everyday she say to me "let's drink beer." So I drink beer with her, then she try and touch me and kiss me! I say NO!!"

I told him about the time I went to Amsterdam and how many prostitutes there were. This seemed to spark a serious discussion in Korean between everyone. Had I overstepped the mark? Did they all think I was telling them I sleep with prostitutes on a regular basis?

The discussion suddenly stopped and their eyes turned to me.

"Mr. Kebin. I must ask you serious question."
"Ok." Gulp.
"Do you love people?"
"Uh...yeh?"
"Do you love people even if they are yellow, white or black?"
"Yeh."
"You are good person."
Then they all raised their glasses and toasted in my honour.

I thought "This day can't get any madder," then we went to a Noraebang(a karaoke room.) The P.E. teacher is slumped on a couch practically passed out, and the Vice Principle is singing Danny Boy while the Headteacher moves his hips like he's having sex.

I found You'll Never Walk Alone in the book of songs and it was too tempting, I sang it. 3 lines in and the VP starts singing with me, he knows most of it!

It's about 9 pm now. I've drank more than anyone and am only tipsy. The P.E. teacher is passed out, the VP has a glazed look across his face and the Headteacher is dancing like Right Said Fred. So, we went home.

"I too drink to drive so I call a rent car."

We were at a main road with dozens of taxis flying by, but instead he ordered one for our school, so we had to walk there, a 5 minute walk uphill.

The school was locked up by now. When we got there, a taxi arrived and a man got out the back in a suit with a name tag. The VP unlocked the gate and we got in his car. The man in the suit drove us home. I later found out there are companies in Korea that will drive you and your car home, from wherever you are, if you are too pissed!

Ha! Mad!

Kevla

Scorpion Beard at the Sand Festival

Monday was Memorial Day, Korea's version of Remembrance Day, so everyone had the day off. Some lucky sods even had th Tuesday off.

The girls from Seoul came down and here's what we did:

Went to a sand castle festival (seriously! grown men making sand castles!)

Went sand boarding 

Went canoeing (or kayaking or whatever)

surfing

Then we went on a pirate ship called the Naramaru. It's class! It goes from just outside Igidae Park, past Gwanganli bridge to Haeundae. By this time it's getting dark and when it returns to Gwanganli, the bridge is lit up and so is the seafront. Check out the pics they're class.

Super Kev

First I'd like to apologise to all the Paddyites out there who've been missing me. The school dropped a shit load of work on me. But, I've finished it all now and can get back to the adventures of Paddy Dunn.

Last Friday it was a nice warm day. Last lesson came and I'm thinking "Yes! I can go have a sit down after this and get some work done, then off to Seoul for the weekend."

With 10 minutes left of the lesson, my co-teacher says "Let's play a game!" Everyone is a happy little bunny.

Then, all of a sudden, out of nowhere, a boy at the back of the class points at the floor underneath one of the girls chair and screams something in Korean. Chaos ensued! The girl and the kids around her jumped to their feet and ran. Chairs and tables got brushed aside. My co-teacher starts screaming and running round like a headless chicken.

I ask her "What's wrong?"
"It's terrible!" she replies, pointing under the girls desk.

I took a look under the desk and saw the biggest centipede I've ever seen! Seriously, it was about 6 inches long. It had a long black body and orange legs and head. It looked terrifying!

"Careful! It's poisonous!" said my co-teacher. Great! being the only male adult in the classroom, it's me who has to do battle with this lethal beast!

So, my co-teacher took all the kids out of the classroom and left me and Cedric (as he shall be called from now) in a battle to the death. 

The wall separating the English classroom and the next has a long window running along it. So, naturally, the kids all stood at the window watching me trying not to die, pumping their little fists in the air and shouting "KEBIN! KEBIN!"

Before my co-teacher left the classroom she equipped me with bug spray and a broom and pan. I went in for the kill with the bug spray, spraying half the bottle on it, but this just made Cedric wet and more angry. I could see the anger in his eyes.

For hours...alright minutes...alright seconds!! we fought an epic battle. Both of us wary of the other, waiting for the opportune moment to strike the fatal blow. Much like this: 

I swear the kids at the window were takings bets. 

I decided to make my move. I brushed the big bugger onto the small pan I was equipped with. He started to crawl to my hand so I had to drop him back to the floor.

The tension was unreal and I began to sweat. I suddenly had another idea. I grabbed a box and swept him into it. He began crawling up the side of the box towards my hand, ready to sink his big centipedal teeth into it. The kids fell silent. I ran to the window. Just as his fangs were about to plunge into my skin, I chucked the little sod out the window.

From the second floor Cedric fell and his 6 inch body smacked against the concrete. I looked down in angst. Surely that drop must have killed him! 

Alas....no! He got back on his feet and looked at me as if to say "is that all the great Paddy Dunn has to offer?" and crawled off to the gutter. I'm sure he'll be back for round two.

The kids now refer to me as Super Kev!

Gis A Passport Der Kid!

At the weekend, I headed up to Seoul with my mate Lindsay cos' we'd booked a tour of the DMZ for Saturday.

I was well excited about this trip. 8 and a half months here and I still haven't been. In anticipation I watched Joint Security Area.

Phenomenal movie about a South Korean soldier and a North Korean soldier who become friends. Check it out.

I've also since started reading Nothing to Envy and it's hard to put down.

So Friday night Kevla rocks up to Busan Station and get's on the train to Seoul. We get to our hostel in Hongdae, check in, then head out for some scran. We're sat in Taco Bell(which, by the way, is amazing! We definitely need one in Liverpool and Busan!) when Lindsay mentions a passport, 

"Och Jimmy wah best make sure wah dinnae forget wah passports tomorrae!" 

My name isn't Jimmy, but she's Scottish and no one has a clue what the poor girl says, but it was something along those lines.

After a few minutes of filtering this sentence through my Scottish translator in my head I realised...I'd forgotten my bloody passport! I'd come all the way to Seoul, booked a hostel and the tour and forgotten my passport! What a div!

So instead I went with Ruth round to her mates for a Shephard's Pie...BOSS! Then we all gathered in the living room, round the laptop, and watched some American sitcoms. 

Now usually, the thought of watching an American sitcom makes me cringe. Sorry my American friends, you make some really good TV, but you also make some horrendous bollocks! Dawson's Creek and The Orange County spring to mind. I'd rather spend the afternoon picking dead flies from a camel's ass than watch that drivel! If the US had caught Bin Laden alive, they should have strapped him to a chair and made him watch re-runs of that crap. That would have been a fitting punishment to his crimes!

And when Kev, our host, told us we were gonna watch a new American show called Modern Family, a little shiver ran down my spine and I thought to myself "this is gonna be worse than that time Ruth dragged me to the cinema to watch the Time Traveller's Wife!" But it was actually quite good. I'll give you that one America.

What was the point of this post? 

1. Don't forget your passport if you go to the DMZ.
2. Watch Joint Security Area, read Nothing to Envy and go to Taco Bell.
3. Get Ruth and Wendy to make you a Shephard's Pie...amazing!
4. If any of your friends own a copy of any of the following TV shows, piss on them.

• Dawson's Creek, The O.C., The Hills, 90210, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Hollyoaks, Charmed, Roswell, Smallville, or any other show similar to these which leave a cultural stain on young peoples lives!

I mean piss on your friends copy of the TV show. Although if you want to piss on your friend for owning any of these titles, feel free, they deserve it...but it's OK to watch Modern Family.

Kevla 

Royal Rant

Been a while since I've posted anything on here. To be honest I haven't felt like writing anything. Everything's been done.

And today's is the Royal Wedding. What's the point in writing about that? There's gonna be no shortage of bloggers posting about it.

Actually I feel like ranting about it now. If you don't know, today, the UK's Prince William is getting married to Kate Middleton. It's the biggest royal wedding since Charles and Camilla tied the knot in 2005, but no one gives a toss about their ugly tush!

It's such a big deal cos' Willy is gonna be the next King and, in the UK at least, William and Kate are pretty popular; the type of couple who have a 40 page special in Hello! magazine cos' they bought a new sofa for their mansion.

You can generally separate the Brits into 2 categories on the subject of the wedding:

1: Those who couldn't give a flying furry toss about it. Take my Granddad for instance. He's as working class English as they come. He likes nothing more than a pint of bitter, a steak pie and watching an episode of Fred Dibnah. To him, the fact that the tax payer gives the royal family something like 50 million quid a year is completely ludicrous. A real man goes out and gets his hands dirty for a living! If there's a murder mystery on the other side were the husband kills the wife, he'll definitely be watching that instead of the wedding

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-13230115

2: Then there's the people who think it's a dream come true that our Prince has found the love of his life, and will now put on a tremendous ceremony for the whole world to see, carrying on one of our finest traditions and cementing William as the heir to the throne.

Take my Nan for instance: she's got pictures of Princess Diana and the Pope on the wall, yet she never goes to church, she drinks, she smokes and she swears. Yet, today, she'll have cleaned the house top to bottom, a doylie will be on top of the TV and a St. George's cross will be in the window.

She'll be drinking vasts amounts of English tea, eating crumpets and saying how wonderful it is. But tonight, she'll probably put on all her gold and go down the pub.

But apart from her, there are people who have been camped outside Westminster Abbey for a few days so that they can get a good view of the wedding. There's people paying big bucks for commemorative plates and mugs that have a picture of the happy couple on.

If you've ever read my blog, you probably think that I don't care about the wedding. But, in fact, I really want to see it. Not for the romance of it, I don't think there is any romance in it, I think it's quite a manufactured event. If William wasn't in line for the throne would someone as beautiful as Kate ever looked twice at his kip? I think not.

I want to watch it cos' it's a show. A show that won't be happening again with such significance till Willy is ready to pop his cloggs. The whole of the royal family is just one big real life soap opera. Our country is basically a republic. Sure, the Queen has some power, for instance she can send us to war. But let's see her try and send our soldiers anywhere, the British public will tell her to sod right off!

The wedding should be really interesting, I can't wait to see it. Here's where you can catch it if you haven't got access to it http://www.royalweddinglive.tv/

In the mean time watch these videos, they're brilliant.

Kevla

Spoilt

The kids spoilt me today. I don't mean they gave me a load of presents, they spoilt me in the things they said to me and the way they acted. Here's my highlights of the day:

Period 1: Mi Ran(an 11 year old girl): Teacher, you look very handsome today.
               Mi Ran got a sticker!

Period 2: Two 11-year old girls come up to me and ask when my birthday is. I tell them it's in September. They say they hope I'm still here then and give me a small not which reads:

Thank you for teaching me. You are very good teacher. You are handsome and tall. You miss your family, but you are brave. I'm Hyun-Ju. I'm study 6-5 class. You are very very good person. Kevin teacher...FIGHTING!

Period 5(7 and 8 year olds): One kid conjures up the balls to come up to me and hold out his hand in the hope I will shake it. Of course, I indulge him and shake his hand. The rest of the kids see this and all run up to me with their hands out wanting me to shake them.

One of the best school days so far. Makes you want to stay!

Kevla